The Perfect Present

Today is my birthday, and many of you have wished me special happiness on it.  Thank you.  It’s nice to be remembered by friends, and today, a special friend remembered me with a wonderful birthday present.  Actually, it arrived yesterday, but what great lead in to a special day.

WE GOT OUR VISAS!!!  Yay! Yahoo!! Whoopee! and Praise the Lord!!  Ready or not, here we come…or rather there we’ll go!  Next Tuesday, my parents and I will fly out from Des Moines with our ultimate destination as Fortaleza.  So with much joy in my heart and praise to my God, I plan to run around like madwoman-albeit a cheerful one-during this next week (only a week!), trying to get everything done that needs to be done.

There has been a small snag in our wedding plans (and marriage process) in Brazil, which I’ll blog about later; but the Lord has already made provision for it with His abundant grace.  Great is His faithfulness!  Won’t you rejoice and praise God with us?

“You shall fear the LORD your God; you shall serve Him,
and to Him you shall hold fast, and take oaths in His name.
He is your praise, and He is your God, who has done for you
these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen.”
Deuteronomy 10:20, 21

More Than A Passport

Although both passports and visas are used for international for travel, they are two different things.

A PASSPORT IS AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT OF IDENTIFICATION ISSUED BY THE PERSON’S NATIONAL GOVERNMENT.  It is in the form of a little booklet that has a photo I.D. along with standard identification information (name, DOB, sex, place of birth, etc.).

While having a passport entitles a person to freely enter and leave the issuing country, it does not necessarily guarantee entrance into another.  That depends on the country one wishes to visit.  Most people visiting the US are required to have a passport and a visa.  Only those from a select 27 countries under the Visa Waiver Program do not.

A VISA IS A STAMP OR SEAL attached to a person’s passport THAT ALLOWS THAT PERSON ENTRY INTO THE COUNTRY BY WHOM IT IS ISSUED FOR A SPECIFIC PURPOSE AND A DEFINED AMOUNT OF TIME.  Visas indicate permission to enter a country; thus, permission must be requested of the country that a person desires to visit.  That’s what I mean when I say that my parents and I have applied for visas to Brazil.  NOTE: Technically, a visa only entitles a person to apply for entry into that country at a port of entry (i.e. international airport); but usually, if you get the visa, you’re allowed into the country.

What is surprising to most people is how requirements can differ depending on which country a person leaves and which one he enters.  The U.S. and Cananda’s agreement about I.D. requirements even varies based on how a person enters the other country (car, plane, etc.).  For example, Canada does not necessarily require a passport for US citizens who arrive by plan; however, the US does require a passport for those flying in.

Some countries, in response to the U.S.’s position and the difficulty of obtaining a U.S. visa, make it intentionally difficult to for U.S. Citizens to enter their country.  Tit for tat…and that, at the moment, is where I and Fred are at.

I think it’s important to clarify that our difficulties are coming from both countries.  Brazil denied my visa in March.  The U.S. denied Fred’s last month.

Right now, my parents and I are waiting for word on our tourist visas (permission from Brazil).  A phone call yesterday afternoon assured us that our applications are at the Brazil Consulate in Chicago, but at this point, nothing more can be known (about their approval, expected delivery date, etc.).  I can call every day after 4:00 PM for updates.

Obviously the visas will only be mailed on business days.  In mentally thinking ahead, I had failed until yesterday to consider the effect of the upcoming holdiay weekend on the mail.  My parents and I have tickets to fly out Wednesday, but if the visas do not arrive on or before Tuesday (that leaves us four days!)…well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

Until then, friends, do keep praying.  God knows.

The other day I “came to the end of my rope.”  That was literally the phrase that popped into my head; but in that same moment, the Holy Spirit reminded me that “God is faithful, who will not allow [me] to be tempted beyond what [I am] able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that [I] may be able to bear it” (James 1:13).  So with that thought now in mind, I prayed, “Lord, throw me an extension cord!  My rope’s about to run out!!”  And, truthfully, that’s where God wants me to be, depending solely on Him; and that truly is the only place any of us will true peace.

Sounds backwards, doesn’t it?  But it is only when we recognize and acknowledge our weakness and frailty that we find true strength, power, and fulfillment in the One who created us to fully depend on and delight in Him.

“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you,
for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’
Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches,
in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9,10

A Long Fall

I have a belated prayer request. 

Last Wednesday, after receiving the news of Grandpa’s death, my family learned that my Uncle Darrell, who is married to my dad’s sister Adeline and farms in Northern Iowa, fell 27 feet while working in the barn on Tuesday night.  Initially, he was taken to the hospital in Fort Dodge; but the orthopedic surgeon was gone on vacation, so he was moved to Mercy Hospital in Des Moines.

Again, God’s careful and gracious orchestration of the events gave us cause to be thankful.  In spite of his long fall, Uncle Darrell did not hit his head or hurt his back; and because he had his cell phone with him, he was able to call my aunt for help.  Also, because we were already in the Des Moines area for Grandpa’s funeral, my parents and I were able to spend time with Darrell and Adeline in the hospital.  The surgery went well, and Uncle Darrell is making a good recovery - at least, it appeared so to me!  So as you pray for my family, please include my uncle and aunt in your prayers.  It will be a while before Darrell is fully recovered, and in the meantime, there are chores to do.  (Funny how that works.)

Love you, Uncle Darrell and Aunt Adeline!

 

 Uncle Darrell with Parker and Austin at the Wedding Celebration,
just a few days previous to the accident.

A Wedding Celebration and A Funeral

I find myself unexpectedly blogging away from home this evening.

It began with a phone call early Wednesday morning conveying the news that my grandfather Jerry Austin had passed away during the night. After some quick arrangments and a few more phone calls, my parents and I left for the Des Moines area later that afternoon, where we have been since then.

The last time I saw my grandfather was a little over a month ago. Grandpa appeared healthy, so it was a surprise when he was hospitalized a short while later after suffering a seisure. Once there, an MRI revealed dementia, a fast-acting one which radically altered my grandpa in a mere few weeks time.

It will seem odd to say considering the circumstances, but I am thankful. Life is incredibly busy at the moment with Brazil travel arrangments (actually, MOVING arrangements for me!!) and wedding plans, along with follow-up to Friday night’s festivities. Still I am thankful that God, in His grace, allowed this to happen now. 

Although my parents and I are still waiting for official news on our visas, we plan to leave for Brazil in just two weeks time.  Grandpa’s death would have been much more difficult on my mother had it happened while she was in Brazil, not to mention how it would taint and dampen the joy of the trip. I’m also thankful that it happened while I am still here. My grandmother has physically digressed over the past year, but along with that, I have also prepared myself for the fact that she may very well pass away before I find myself stateside again. It would not have been so with Grandpa.

I was reading about thankfulness today in Humility, True Greatness in which C.J. Mahaney encourages Christians to begin their day with gratitude instead of gumbling. He quotes Michael Ramsey who said, “Thankfulness is a soil in which pride does not easily grow.”

How true, which is why I am prone to grow more humble the closer I draw to the cross, for it is then I realize more acutely how unworthy I am and how great is my God. ”The cross never flatters us…Far from offering us flattery, the cross undermines our self-righteousness, and we can stand before it only with a bowed head and a broken spirit” (p.68) That is why Mahaney suggests to start one’s day acknowledging his dependence upon God.

Sin-including the sin of pride-is active, not passive. Sin doesn’t wake up tired
because it hasn’t been sleeping…Most of us spend more time listening to lies
than we do speaking truth to ourselves. And the listening process usually
starts as soon as we get up. The alarm has rudely interrupted the gift of sleep,
and the listening begins. A we stumble through our morning routine, we’re not
directing the thoughts in our mind-we’re simply at their mercy. We entertain
complaints about yesterday or worries about what’s coming today. We look in
the bathroom mirror and assess the damage, then brood over ow we feel.
We’re not in charge of our thinking. We’re just there. (pp.69-70)

Sorry.  Just a little rabbit trail there.

Returning to the situation at hand, I ask for and covet your prayers, especially for my mother. Grieving, while lessened by the hope we have in Christ, always involves loss; and God knows our frame, that we are but dust (Ps.103:14).  Spurgeon says in his Treasury of David, “[God] always takes our frailty into account when He is apportioning to us our lot. Blessed be his holy name for this gentleness towards his frail creatures.”

With that, pray also for my father. There’s just a lot going on with family right now, including more minor emergencies like the drain backing up Saturday night and the refrigerator breaking down Sunday morning. My “lot” currently includes a rash (very much like poison ivy) which appeared Sunday morning, after a family work day in which we removed some pine trees from the backyard. The fun just never stops at the Lundberg house! 

Indeed, blessed be His name! With Him the adventure never ends. Thankfully neither does His mercy or grace!

Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
…knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into His presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:1a,7-11,14-18

Pictures?

I would love copies of any and all photos that people took at Friday night’s Wedding Celebration. If you are willing to share your pictures, please email them to me at tom_gurl@hotmail.com or let me know where to download them online (unless you have another preferred method to share). Thanks!

I will be posting mine on my Flickr account later this week (accessible through my blog).  Enjoy!!

A WED-derful Evening

I know of few brides who plan a wedding without a groom - okay, I don’t know any! - so how I came to be one is a mystery to me; but not to God. And it was He, I believe, who received all the praise from Friday night’s celebration. As my brother Shon said in his challenge that night, we don’t know why God didn’t allow Fred to get a visa, but we do know that it is for our good.

Thank all of you who helped to make it such a special evening. Some helped with planning & decorations. Some served punch and beijinhos de coco; while others helped make the food, including meals for my family. Some recorded the event with pictures and video, and others sang special music, including Katrina’s impromptu choir’s presentation of “God Bless Our Kari.” Many helped with the clean up afterward. Each and every act of service was a tremendous help, blessing and encouragement. Thank you.

I also with to thank those who made the evening special simply by their presence. Several of you traveled long distances only to stay a short time, then travel home again late at night. Those from church were weary after the week’s preparation for Saturday’s Internation Give Away. Others had physical limitations, etc. and endured much to attend. Please know that I recognize the time, energy, and resources you all gave to be there on Friday evening. Know also that your sacrifice of love made your presence all that much sweeter. Thank you.

A special thanks to my oldest brother and the Steven and Carol Celarier for the gift of Fred’s presence. Seeing him stand up front brought tears to my eyes. You’ll never know what a delight his “presence” brought to my evening.

Last, but certainly not least, I wish to thank my family who gave of themselves in unmeasureable ways to help me celebrate this special event. I love you all deeply and praise God for you. Thank you for the numerous ways you demonstrate your love toward me.

The Perfect Answer

I’m not going to bother with build up.  Fred’s visa was denied.

The last question on Fred’s application (which we filled out months ago when we first made the appointment) asked if Fred was related to or engaged to anyone living in the U.S.  We paused in our progress, recognizing what such an answer could cost us; and indeed, it did. 

Fred’s engagment was the key issue - the only issue - during his interview. Very likely, if we had lied on his application, Fred would have recieved his visa; however, that is not really a plausible scenario, for as Fred said to me today, “There was no other choice; that was the answer.”

Thank you for your prayers.  Please do not be disappointed with the result or think them unaswered.  They were!!  And in the very best way possible - through God’s tremendous work of grace in our hearts. 

I am disappointed, and yes, I’ve cried (Fred has, too.); but we are not devestated or disillusioned by the consulate’s response.  God is still sovereign, and God is still good.  That has not changed.  Although we may have trouble seeing the answer through our earthly eyes, this answer is the best answer for Fred and my good; and we praise Him for His marvelous work of grace in our lives.

 

O Father, You are Sovereign
(to the tune of “The Church’s One Foundation”)

O Father, You are Sovereign
In all the worlds you made;
Your mighty word has spoken,
And light and life obeyed.
Your voice commands the seasons
And bound the ocean shore,
Sets stars within their courses
And still the tempest’s roar.

O Father, You are Sovereign
In all affairs of man;
No powers of death and darkness
Can thwart Your perfect plan.
All chance and change transcending,’
Supreme in time and space,
You hold your trusting children
Secure in Your embrace.

O Father, You are Sovereign,
Lord of human pain,
Transmuting earthly sorrows
To gold of heavenly gain.
All evil overruling
And none by Conqueror could,
Your love pursues its purpose -
Our soul’s eternal good.

O Father, You are Sovereign;
We see you dimly now,
But soon before Your triumph
Earth’s every knee shall bow.
With this glad hope before us
Our faith springs forth anew;
Our sovereign Lord and Savior,
We trust and worship You.

A Bowl Of Cereal

For breakfast, I poured myself a bowl of frosted mini-wheats.  Well, no, actually I PICKED myself a bowl, meaning I juggled and sorted through the box to pick out the frostiest ones available.  Why?  Because I wanted the sweetness to cover the dry, nutritional part of the cereal.  This morning, however, there weren’t very many well-frosted pieces readily available, so I dug deeper, hoping to find some on the bottom (the frostier pieces weigh more, you know).

At that moment with my hand deep in the box, I suffered an attack of the conscience.  What was I doing?!?  After all, wasn’t I eating this cereal for its nutritional value (rather than, say, Frosted Flakes or Captain Crunch)??  And yet, here I was selfishly searching for the ”good stuff!”  Oh, the shame.  (I know you’ve never done anything like that before, but for those of us who have, it is humbling moment when we succumb to such low behavior.)

Okay, okay.  So maybe it wasn’t quite like that, but a random thought did cross my mind: How often do I dig for the frostier pieces in life?  And how do I respond when I don’t find them?  Am I disappointed?  Mad?  Do I frantically dig deeper in the box?

I’m old enough now to realize the need for a nutritional, well-balanced diet, just like I’m far enough along in my Christian walk to recognize that life cannot be perfect in a sin-cursed world.  Even so, that doesn’t keep me from wanting a sugar-coating to help me swallow other harsher realities of life.  And when I can’t find or don’t get well-frosted pieces, I accuse God of being unfair.

I’ve been listening to a message series “Responding Right When You Feel Like Reacting Wrong” (preached MANY years ago) by John Sauser.  He often repeats the phrase, ‘God does not promise to make all the crooked ways straight!”  In other words, God doesn’t promise an abundance of frosting with each box of mini-wheats; in fact, He doesn’t promise any frosting at all!  But He does promise the grace to help me eat them, and most importantly, He promises to use them to help me grow through the nourishment they provide.”

It may surprise you, but I was not the easiest child to raise.  No, I required much discipline, which my father readily and amply supplied.  There were times I accepted Dad’s discipline and then…well, there were other times.  (Guess which occurred more often?)  Inevitably, when I resisted Dad’s discipline, I received more!  Was this because my dad didn’t love me?  Of course not.  It was because of his great love for me that he persisted!  (And praise God that he did!)  If he had not cared, he wouldn’t have bothered; it wouldn’t have been worth the effort!

Likewise, my Heavenly Father corrects me (and I need plenty of it!).  God knows my sinful tendencies, but He strives in love to change and transform me into His likeness for my good; and He does this through His discipline.  That’s why God sent Christ, who not only acts as my Savior, but through His earthly example, serves as my encouragement!

“Consider [Jesus Christ] who endured from sinners such hostility against Himself,
so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.  In your struggle against sin
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.’

“It is for discipline that you have to endure.  God is treating you as sons.
For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated,
then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this,
we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them.
Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?
For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them,
but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant,
but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness
to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:3-11

While on this earth, Christ, too, suffered at the hands of sinners; He endured wrong treatment by others, and He did so without sin.  Why?  Because God forgot about Him?  Because God failed to protect and take care of Him?  No.  God allowed it for my good because when I follow the example of Christ and allow myself to be trained by life’s difficulties — that is when I am patient and look to see what God wants to teach me through them rather than reacting and fighting against them — then I am transformed into His image and share in God’s holiness.  And there is nothing greater!

I say all of this for my benefit.  Monday and Fred’s interview at the consulate are quickly approaching, and I know I will be served a bowl of cereal.  Regardless of how much frosting covers my mini-wheats that day, may I praise and thank God for His perfectly measured portion and His sufficient grace faithfully supplied along with it.

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be,
you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuiness of your faith,
being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire
may be found to [result in] praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
1 Peter 1:6,7

Love’s Wait

Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill. So the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was. Then after this he said to the disciples, ”Let us go to Judea again.” The disciples said to him, ”Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and are you going there again?” Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.” After saying these things, he said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him.” The disciples said to him, “Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover.” Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that he meant taking rest in sleep. Then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” So Thomas, called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go that we may die with him.”

Now when Jesus came, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb four days. Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off, and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them concerning their brother. So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary remained seated in the house. Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus said to her, ”I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” She said to him, “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.”

When she had said this, she went and called her sister Mary, saying in private, “The Teacher is here and is calling for you.” And when she heard it, she rose quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?”

Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, ”Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”

Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what he did, believed in him… (John 1:1-45).

God’s plan is always so much greater than ours, so much bigger than our minds even begin to fathom; and our dreams are so small in comparison to what He desires to do. Imagine the doubts and the fears that passed through the minds of Mary, Martha, and even Lazarus as they waited on the Lord.

What was the motivation for their request? It obviously wasn’t Christ’s safety, as the passage clearly indicates Judea was a dangerous place for Him to be. Look at Thomas’s statement, “Let us also go that we may die with him.” (Perhaps “Doubting” Thomas deserves more merit than we often give him credit for.) 

I also don’t think the family was concerned about Christ’s glory in light of the sisters’ similar greetings to Him: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” In other words, ”Lord, You’re too late. We needed You and You failed us.” In other words, it was all about them - their problem, their need.

When reading the passage, did you catch the fact that Christ waited two extra days before leaving? And it specifically points out that He did so BECAUSE HE LOVED THEM! How much sense does that make? But God’s wisdom is not like the wisdom of man. As 1 Corinthians 1:25 says, “The foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.” 

God, in his wisdom, desired to do much more than just confirm His healing power. Mary, Martha, the disciples, Lazarus - they all had witnessed Christ heal the sick; that is, after all, why they sent for Him! But God constantly reveals more of Himself to us, more of His power, more of His greatness; and this time, God wanted to show them His power over death - and not just to them, but to many Jews who would not have been present had Lazarus not died! How’s that for divine orchestration!?

This past year has included numerous ”waiting periods” in my life (with visas, wedding plans, etc.), but I remain confident that God specifically ordained them out of His love for me, for Fred, for my family, and for how many numerous others that I do not yet know about! God has not been negligent or forgetful, cruel or unkind. He is infinitely good and infinitely wise. Praise God for His faithful care of me - of us, even when we fail to see it as such from our earthly perspective.

“A Fish or a Scorpion”

(From Elisabeth Elliot’s These Strage Ashes: Is God Still in Charge? , p.124-7)

The events of the preceding day stayed vividly in my mind for a long time. It had been, I wrote to my parents, “the most nightmarish day of my life.” As we walked home in the rain from the graveyard, it seemed to me that everything was over. Although I could, by no stretch of the imagination, hold myself responsible for Macario’s murder, the enormity of it weighed me down almost as heavily as if I were guilty. It was another failure, somehow, a judgment on us and our work.

I went over and over in my mind how it had come to be that I was here at all, that Macario had been my colleague. The work we did together was the work to which each had been clearly called, had we not? I went back to the night in New Jersey when I had knelt in my room, asking for assurance that the call was God’s voice and not a figment of my own mind. It had seemed that He answered me through a Bible verse, “I the Lord have called thee and will hold thine hand.” I thought of those who had prayed for me and encouraged me in so many ways, I thought of all the sermons I had cringed under about the coldness of the churches and their disobedience to Christ’s commission, “Go ye.” I thought of all the times I had sung “Where He Leads Me, I Will Follow,” earnestly examining my soul for signs of insincerity or impurity of motive. I could not deny the reality of that call or the faithfulness of those who had supported me.

What of the work of the Colorado translation? Could I possibly doubt that this was God’s work? Was He, in fact, interested in the salvation of this jungle tribe, or was it only we three foreign women who were interested? Had I come here, leaving so much behind, on a fool’s errand? If this was how the Lord of Hosts looked after His servants and His glory, if this was a sample of how He answered prayers for His work and His workers, it certainly fit none of my categories. How was I to reconcile His permitting such a thing with my own understanding of the missionary task?

… As I look back on that time, I think it was Lesson One for me in the school of faith. That is, it was my first experience of having to bow down before that which I could not possibly explain. Usually we need not bow. We can simply ignore the unexplainable because we have other things to occupy our minds. We sweep it under the rug. We evade the questions.

Faith’s most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain. If God were God, if He were omnipotent, if He had cared, would this have happened? Is this that I face now the ratification of my calling, the reward of obedience? One turns into the abyss. But in the abyss there is only blackness, no glimmer of light, no answering echo.

When I was sixteen years old, I copied in the back of my Bible a prayer of Betty Scott Stam’s, whose visit to our home when I was very small had made such a deep impression on me. Her prayer: ”Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all, utterly to thee to be thine forever. Fill me and seal me with thy Holy Spirit, use me as thou wilt, send me where thou wilt, work out thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever.”

The cost, for her, was quite literally her life only a few years after she had prayed that prayer. I had never forgotten the picture on the font page of our newspaper of the Stams’ baby daughter being carried in a rice basket by a Chinese woman who had found her after her parents’ execution.

I went back to things like that prayer as I searched for meaning to Marcario’s death. Only God knew Marcario’s heart, and whether he was a martyr. For me there were other implications. I had promised to obey God, and I had known that that promise might lead to “tribulation.” I had prayed also for holiness, but this – this kind of “answer” – was startling and repugnant to me. I had desired God Himself and He had not only not given me what I asked for, He had snatched away what I had. I came to nothing, to emptiness.

… I felt like a son who had asked for a fish and been given a scorpion I had honestly (surely it was honestly?) desired God. I wanted to do His will.

… It was a long time before I came to the realization that it is in our acceptance of what is given that God gives Himself. Even the Son of God had to learn obedience by the things that He suffered. He had come for only one purpose: “Lo, I come, in the volume of this book it is written of me, to do thy will, O God.”

Amy Carmichael wrote: “But these strange ashes, Lord, this nothingness / This baffling sense of loss / Son, was the anguish of my stripping less / Upon the torturing cross?”

Each separate experience of individual stripping we may learn to accept as a fragment of the suffering Christ bore when He took it all. “Surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” This grief, this sorrow, this total loss that empties my hands and breaks my heart, I may, if I will, accept, and by accepting it, I find in my hands something to offer. And so I give it back to Him, who in mysterious exchange gives Himself to me.